"Love, Lust And Romance Part 2
Is marriage obsolete? Should sex be prescribed and parenthood licensed? Are soul mates an illusion?
Myths and Soul Mates Myths underlie most of our emotional beliefs, expectations, and idealistic fantasies. They provide a rich resource for poets, film makers, charismatic preachers, politicians and social activists. They give us dreams and aspirations and a standard to measure our progress by. There is nothing wrong or destructive with the desire to love and be loved. The need for an authentic, loving relationship is a very real one. Unfortunately, the myth of the soul mate, the delusion that all one really needs is the perfect partner to live happily ever after is unlikely to promote authentic, loving relationships. Any kind of relationship, be it parental, professional, sexual, or spousal, requires both effort and some degree of sacrifice. Old Mother Nature may encourage propagating the species, but it isn't instinct, which ensures a healthy relationship between parent and child. The gods of social status and the marketplace govern much of our economic life, but one still needs to devote time, effort and brain power to have a productive career. |
Discipline & Romance The vast majority of human beings seem to understand the necessity for exertion when it comes to economic and procreative achievement, so what makes anyone assume that love; lust or romance doesn't require discipline, struggle and sacrifice? The danger in this assumption is that it promotes the fallacy of holding another responsible for ones happiness or fulfilment. It also encourages the egoistic expectation that individual gratification is more important than commitment, intimacy and emotional rapport. When both parties subscribe to this fantasy, or believe true love is effort free their coming together is likely to be a momentary infatuation or a major disappointment. Of all relationships, the one based on romantic sentiments is the most precarious and the most difficult to maintain. I believe it is based on a peculiar combination of idealism, sexual attraction, self-surrender, and wish fulfilment. In this ideal relationship, the beloved other is perceived as beautiful, brave, an object of delight and mystery. The merely human takes on the status of the divine. The lover is willing to surrender life, family, social approval and the protective barriers of her ego for the sake of the beloved. Physical chemistry plays a major role in this; pure unadulterated lust is transformed into something quite magical, fraught with glamour and significance. The beloved becomes the fulfilment of our destiny, the compliment to our soul, the pearl beyond price. All that is good and worthwhile in this world is bound up in this one individual, and life without the presence of the beloved becomes empty and fruitless. Enraptured by our vision of loves perfection, it is no wonder that we would do anything to preserve such a relationship. Such yearnings are part of the fabric of dreamland, and the fact that dreams rarely, if ever, live up to reality accounts for the tragic consequences of many a lovers quest. |
Love, Tragedy & Madness This is where we find the sorrowful tale of Romeo and Juliet, where despairing Jose murders his fickle lover, Carmen. Here Dido, queen of Carthage curses Aeneas and kills herself as he, obedient to the will of the gods, abandons her to follow his destiny. This is why Love was considered a form of madness up to our more liberated, contemporary era, why lust was considered one of the seven deadly sins, and why crimes of passion are treated more leniently than more plebeian forms of murder and mayhem. I find it perplexing that so many courts are inclined to discount the trauma and actual harm associated with Crimes of Passion. Why do so many people assume sexual attraction and/or attractiveness justify such encroachments on human dignity? Perhaps I am overly prudish, or old fashioned, but I've yet to understand why a young woman must be on guard when going out at night or accepting a drink or inviting her date in for a night cap. Why should my daughters and granddaughters guard against dressing in too provocative a manner, or becoming the subject of prurient gossip? It is not pleasant to realise the male friend one is contemplating an erotic interlude with, might end up discussing your willingness with his buddies. It is even more irritating when some of those chums assume your sexual favours are free for the asking. It is down right frightening to realise he believes he has an exclusive, proprietary claim on your body. |
Mutual Trust or Self-Gratification? Although I am definitely older and presumably wiser these days, I still lack insight into the erotic motives and assumptions of men. I would like to believe most males are civilised, rational, communicative beings who sincerely wish to establish equitable relationships with women. Unfortunately, I don't posses a magic formula to distinguish predatory, possessive, irresponsible males from sensitive, compassionate intelligent and caring ones. It takes time and trust to achieve such an understanding and impulsive, pleasure oriented, self-indulgent sexual encounters don't generate mutual trust or emotional rapport. Of course, some of us have little or no interest in a loving, deep and mutually supportive relationship. There are those who worship at the altar of immediate gratification and regard romance as something people do in order to have sex. Since sex is quite enjoyable, conducive to physical relaxation, lowers high blood pressure, and alleviates depression, one might consider it a therapeutic regimen. Perhaps, it could be dispensed at a clinic or prescribed by ones doctor. If we were rational enough to remove "fornication" from the category of love, romance, procreation and sin, we might enjoy its healthful benefits without getting all hung up on commitment and exclusive relationships. Sex is not without its perils. We might eliminate profoundly disturbed individuals who prefer children and who develop obsessive-compulsive attitudes regarding the object of their desires without excessive difficulty. However we would still need to deal with sexually transmitted diseases, unrequited love and religious fundamentalists. The latter seem to believe sexual impulses and erotic satisfactions are ploys of the devil. There are the problematic issues of pregnancy and children. Since there is nothing romantic about getting Aids, going on a course of antibiotics, having an abortion or trying to prove paternity, a certain amount of preparation must be exercised if one is to enjoy the therapeutic amenities of sex. Particularly critical to the participants is a clear understanding of their purposes and objectives along with a clearly defined understanding of their partners intentions. |
Life Long Support or Therapy? If Sally expects to win life long support of her sexual partner for herself and her children, it is advisable to enter into a marriage contract with him. If John is only interested in the therapeutic or pleasurable aspects of sex, Sally is likely to feel betrayed and misused. If Sally went so far as to get pregnant, she will need to go through the agonising decision of destroying the life within her, giving her child up for adoption or belonging to the economically disadvantaged class of single mothers. It is unlikely that John will feel particularly happy about his role in Sally's dilemma. Sally and John could arrange an equitable arrangement regarding the results of their sexual activity. However, it is not particularly sane or spiritual to add to the population burden of this planet without first considering the effect an unplanned pregnancy will have on ones life. Considering the number of poorly reared, unloved, abused and neglected children in this world, it might be feasible to make child care classes and birth control mandatory for heterosexual adolescents. It could even be argued that parenting should become a licensed profession instead of the haphazard arrangements currently in vogue. |
A Rational Approach? In a totally rational, albeit imaginary world, we might indulge our erotic fantasies by joining clubs and societies devoted to diverse categories of safe sex and romantic expressiveness. Those among us who qualify for the prestigious task of child rearing and/ or bearing could be trained in that art and would be genetically and mentally qualified. Marriage would be facilitated by marriage brokers and could take the form of a co-habitation contract with provisions of exclusivity. Naturally, sexual harassment, abuse or violence would be regarded as anti-social behaviour and would be treated as a psychiatric disorder or a criminal act. Sexual expression would be regarded as the birthright of every human being, something to be accepted, respected, appreciated and supported. Likewise, children and elders would be cherished and their health and well being would be considered essential to the public good. Unfortunately, we do not live in a rational world, neither are our romantic fancies and sexual passions necessarily governed by reason or ethics. Many of us seem to live in an "It can't happen to me" fantasy. We wander into and out of relationships searching for the blue bird of happiness, apparently oblivious to the fact that actions can generate negative consequences! I've heard 95% of the marriages in North America are unhappy. I've also heard that the 5% of us who are happily married were born into happy unions. If this is the case, perhaps marital or romantic bliss should be regarded as a genetic anomaly. |
Teach Our Children? Possibly, we ought to teach our children that being happy with ones partner is unrealistic and give up our romantic fantasies about living happily ever after. It may be necessary to sacrifice archaic and burdensome sentiments regarding marriage rituals, family values, emotional commitments, and parental obligations in favour of individual autonomy, personal fulfilment and sexual gratification. This would definitely suit those who believe that lust and love are synonyms and in this age of female liberation, the pill, legalised abortion and over population; chastity, virginity, and marital fidelity are hopelessly outdated values. Of course, there are some who suffer under the archaic concept that children need to grow up in two parent households and those who bring children into this world should devote their lives to them. There are even those who believe an exclusive bond and emotional commitment between two adults is not only a worthwhile objective, but that people can actually be happy in such a situation. Irrespective of ones opinions, feelings and expectations regarding the mating bond, whether one chooses to abide exclusively with one person, join a group marriage, embrace promiscuity or simply avoid the problem altogether; sexuality, love and trust are major issues in our lives. The prerequisite for a sane, spiritual and fulfilling relationship revolves around the capacity for emotional honesty. Those who had the benefit of candid trust worthy and accepting parents are likely to be truthful and straightforward in their relationships. Sexual or romantic involvement entails mutual honesty and some degree of self-awareness. Otherwise, such affairs degenerate into mutual misunderstanding and emotional damage. |
The Path to Love The path to love would be smoother if each party developed a sense of commitment and responsibility. It would also be of benefit if they learn to acknowledge and express their feelings. Another prerequisite for successful emotional encounters is confidence and courage in the face of challenges. Timid and self-negating creatures may find it impossible to initiate contact, much less insist upon honourable and equitable treatment. It takes confidence in ones capacity to love and courage to stand up for ones principles. Pleaser types may be so afraid of rejection and subsequent loneliness that they sacrifice their integrity to fit into a relationship. Equally important for the participants is recognising and accepting dissimilar perspectives. Far too often we assume our point of view is the only one worth taking into consideration. We expect our partners and associates to agree with us and fail to check out or respect their opinions. Quite often people are astonished to discover that what seems reasonable and desirable to them, seems absurd and incomprehensible to others. Depending on the degree of emotional energy one has invested in an attitude, behaviour or a life style, one is unlikely to accept a differing view. This is why it is necessary to sacrifice being right or proving the other wrong for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. |
Destructive Elements
In my opinion, the most destructive element in a sexual or romantic liaison is that of manipulation. The classical manipulator has a hidden agenda. The manipulator rarely, if ever, puts her true feelings and desires on the table. The idea of levelling is anathema to her.Manipulation is a subtle form of control and uses such ploys as:
The fine art of manipulation entails getting the other party to assume responsibility for the relationship. Its objective is to elevate ones sense of power, strength, desirability, righteousness and superiority through undermining the self-esteem of the other. A manipulative relationship engenders mutual blaming, guilt tripping, emotional dishonesty and makes it impossible for people to communicate. One of the saddest aspects of manipulation is that it draws other people into its wake. People who are manipulated become manipulators themselves, and allied with guilt and shame, this particular quality can be passed down for generations. Whether one is engaged in a temporary sexual encounter or taking on the career of marriage, the capacity to honestly express ones feelings and needs and be receptive to those of the other is vital. Manipulation can not thrive in an atmosphere of sincerity, mutual respect and openness. Neither does it flourish when both parties have a clear understanding of the desires and perspective of each other. No matter whether we are looking for a sexually liberated or a committed relationship, issues of mutual expectation and emotional vulnerability will eventually surface. |
Vulnerability and Expectations Even if that man from Mars or woman from Venus claim they have no expectations and aren't looking for anything special, don't be fooled by alien protestations. Those deluded souls who honestly believe they have abandoned the realm of hope and don't expect anything from anybody are probably emotionally damaged or seriously neurotic. In any case, who wants to fall in love with someone who lives in the fortress of denial? In addition to the perils of conjugal desire and sensual delight, I think its impossible to enjoy sex with anyone without experiencing some degree of vulnerability. The question is how do we voice our expectations and wishes? What are our emotional requirements in intimate circumstances? Finally, how does one cope with vulnerability? Does it impose an impediment to sexual fulfilment? Can it destroy ones sense of self-worth, self-respect or independence? Nobody likes being hurt, disappointed or taken advantage of, but vulnerability is part of the wisdom of love and pain is one of the consequences of choosing life. The only invulnerable people I know of are psychopathic or dead and I strongly recommend avoiding the former and seeking psychiatric help if attracted to the latter! Likewise, if you suffer under the delusion that one can separate sexual pleasure from emotional sensitivity, you should frequent commercial establishments or seek relief through manual and electronic manipulation. Of course, one could take the monks way out, live in the pristine world of chastity and spend ones life dreaming of that lovely soul who can awaken ones repressed passions. The enchantment of the unobtainable; be he Prince Charming, that hunk who leers at you in the local singles bar, or the gorgeous babe who falls into the arms of James Bond or Mel Gibson in the movies; keeps the wishful dreamer imprisoned in the realm of romantic fantasy. Few of us know how to break free of our solipsistic, self-absorbed egos, much less how to let go of the fear of commitment and/or rejection. Love, lust or romance is a risky business and some of us prefer the safety of a solitary life. |
Solitude and Making Excuses Its a lot easier to come up with excuses regarding the lack of intimate relationships in our lives, than take the chance of actually succeeding. This, alas, becomes truer as one grows older, and looses the sexual allure and energy of youth. Beauty parlours, tummy tucks, face lifts and hair implants notwithstanding, its a rare human being who preserves his or her sexual attractiveness much beyond 50. Those lovely sirens leering off the pages of Cosmopolitan, and prancing through X-rated movies, are seldom out of their twenties. Males seem to have the advantage in this respect in so far as a $1,000 suit is adept at concealing potbellies and narrow shoulders. Furthermore, a mans physical appearance is less vital to his sex appeal than his bank account or social status. Perhaps we should leave love, lust and romance to the young and foolish and reserve wisdom, political and economic power for the senior set. It would certainly be simpler than pursuing erotic fantasies up through our seventies. However, in addition to promoting biological diversity and procreation, old lady nature encourages lustful romps and erotic fancies. Our carnal yearnings, libidinous pleasures and romantic illusions exist before and well beyond our child bearing/rearing years. |
Conclusion In conclusion it appears the joy of sex and the desire for companionship are likely to strike anytime, anywhere, with damn near anybody. The fundamentally irrational, elusive, and wonderful nature of love and sex will continue to bewilder and beguile lawmakers, politicians, therapists and ordinary humans until we evolve beyond physical forms. Before that unlikely day arrives, we will have to cope with the issues of passion, lasciviousness, disillusion, social norms, familial responsibilities and unrequited love.
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Turning Shit into Fertilizer
Saving Your Soul